Poetry: More than Friends

By Monica C. Voskamp


I tell myself

A million times

I don’t matter

-that way-

To you,

But still I keep

Running from truth.


I keep hoping

My time

My attention

My energy

My adoration

My heart

Will finally catch yours

And maybe then

Maybe then

We will be more than

Just friends.


It’s a deluded hope I know

One that has twisted me

In ropes before.

And I’m trying

-rather pointlessly-

To undo the knots

I have made

With you.


Truth is

With all the grains of sand

That have passed

Through you and me

By now we would know

By now we should be

Much more than friends.


Always hope. Always believe. Always love. 💕

*Photo Credit: https://unsplash.com/@saifmemon

Poetry: ..dark torture..

By Monica C. Voskamp


Run. Run. You can run,

But the pain will still find you.


Numb. Numb. You can numb,

But the pain is still inside you.


Deny. Deny. Oh girl, you can deny,

But darling, the truth is

Your pain is very much alive.


Cry-yes, you will cry

It’s just part of the undoing.


Scream- yes, you will scream

As the wound is opened

And there is probing.


Regret. Regret. But you will not,


You will not regret opening

The whole of your soul.


You will not regret saying:

Love, meet me right here.

Meet me in this dark abyss,

This dark torture named


Always hope. Always believe. Always love. ❤

**Photo Credit: Photo by Emiliano Vittoriosi on Unsplash

Rethinking: Push Delete on Reality


By Monica C. Voskamp

Do you know how many pictures I deleted when I was the ‘Big Me’? Too many. I cringe as I think of one picture summer 2012. Of course it was summer, at the beach. I had bought a workout shirt for a swim top, donned a bright pink top, and then wore my plus 20 Old Navy capris. I wore ALL that to the beach, and tried to avoid the camera.

There were a few pictures taken of me walking with my little niece and sister. I regret deleting those pictures.

I didn’t delete them because they were horrible memories (No, those are reserved for the Ex’s. 😉 )  I deleted the pictures with me because all I saw was a whale of me, fat me, detestable me. My head impulsively turns away and stomach churns at the memory.  That’s all I saw: an image I detested & was embarrassed by. It was a reflection of what I wished I literally could do to myself.

The beach day memory was great. My sister and I were helping my little niece learn to walk. We were all smiling and my niece certain wasn’t cringing at me. Odd thought, she was enjoying being with her Aunt. No judgement was there, she had adoring love and acceptance of all of me. ❤

I was commenting to my brother today it was significant to accept and embrace the beauty of where I was in the moment. It was somewhere between 248lbs and 150lbs. Maybe in the 220’s? I know…getting to the specifics here. 😉  Around then,  I started celebrating and enjoying where I was at, even though I hadn’t arrived at my ‘final destination.’

I was still in the doctor’s obese category, but I had entered a new category in my mind. The beauty of enjoying acceptance.  Of me.

Isn’t that something? Imagine if, right now, in whatever crazy painful tailspin in your life, you were able to enjoy your now in spite of that specific area. Everyone has at least one area that they desperately wish was different.  Mine has always easily been health related…but ha, I could easily make that list longer.

When I stopped striving to be somewhere I could NOT possibly be today or even next month, something happened. In fact, I didn’t know the “when”…(yes, talk about freak out mode!)

When I stopped my desperate stressing to be in an unknown future place,  I started arriving in my now.  More so, I started thriving in my now.

Yes, things were still messy and as my one friend would phrase it…a sh*tstorm. It was still raining crap. I was still flubbing up, having binge eating episodes, and huffing around in a large body. That wasn’t changing in a hurry; however, I started to celebrate my daily growth and accept me for where I was. That was, is a freedom act. It was relieving.

It is so easy, tempting to push delete on life’s difficult situations. It’s natural to want to escape the chaos. I know. Who doesn’t want to elude pain, turmoil, trauma, stress?! But, pushing delete does not make reality go away.

‘Pushing delete’ is denying reality and living in fear of the now.

If I could’ve, would’ve paused and looked at the picture a little longer, I would’ve seen more than just ME and my painful reality.  I would’ve seen my nieces delight in walking between her sister and me, her aunt. I would’ve seen her chubby little fingers clinging onto mine. I was helping a little human being learn how to walk her first steps! How awesome is that. 🙂

I could’ve acknowledged:

Yes, I’m not yet where I want to be, but in my here, there is something still valuable for me.

  At that time I wasn’t looking for more; I was tunnel-visioned into the depressing state of me.

If you are wishing you could push delete on an area in your life. It’s understandable. My hope is you acknowledge your area is there, you don’t check out and you see something of value. There is something more in your picture too.

It’s okay to not have yet arrived; you are here.

In the arriving of now, you will start thriving more. I also think this ‘arriving in the now’ prepares you to hold the greatness ahead of you.

When you don’t hit delete and allow yourself to see differently, you gain something of value. Try it and see. 🙂

Always believe. Always have hope. And most of all, always love, because love will always be. ❤